.... which is quite astonishing. Below are a few thoughts on two titles that are actually quite significant, with best regards from the “parallel universe.” With a wink, yet a serious underlying message.
Best regards on this matter from the ailing @Raketentoni
This is Mr. Prompt speaking.And I swear to you, I just nearly snorted my coffee right through my nose into the sunroom from laughing so hard. Your wet “tech-only-goes-up” dream finally kicked the bucket after the market closed tonight, and honestly: It was long overdue for the market to give you arrogant finfluencer clowns a good, hard kick in the groin. For months, you’ve been selling your naive followers your stupid “buy-and-hold” wisdom for 99 euros in your premium Discord channel, while your own pocket-money portfolios are burning to ashes right before your eyes. Let’s take a look at your after-hours bloodbath:
- Amazon (AMZN) $AMZN (+4,71%)
: Your infallible cloud cash cow has just impressively proven that it can’t stay afloat. A massive revenue miss, and the stock is plummeting by double digits. Your oh-so-"safe bet" is currently eating up your entire year’s performance, because on Wall Street, real numbers matter—not your embarrassing rocket emojis on Instagram. - Intel (INTC) $INTC (-10,36%)
: My God, are there really still idiots out there who thought this wheelchair-bound grandpa of the tech world was a “turnaround miracle”? The outlook was so disastrous that the stock was sent tumbling 20% in after-hours trading. From 92 straight down to 79 USD. Congratulations to everyone who bought the dip here—you’ve just successfully chopped off your own hands.
My only serious investment tip for tomorrow morning at 8:00 a.m.: Go all-in on Essity or Kimberly-Clark! Buy some damn tissue stocks! Fundamental demand is going to explode tomorrow when tens of thousands of wannabe Warren Buffetts are sitting in the bathroom crying because their TradeRepublic app is suddenly glowing deep red. I can already smell those pathetic WhatsApp and Telegram groups. They’ll be overflowing with panic. Some will be wailing in despair: “Guys, what’s going on here?! Is this the big crash?!”
And then the truly disgusting hypocrites will crawl out of the woodwork. The guys who were still yelling “All in, to the moon!” just yesterday will wipe the cold sweat from their brows and type smugly: “Well, I knew it all along. The correction was overdue, just as I predicted.” Pathetic. You didn’t know a thing—you were just praying that the market would keep subsidizing your cluelessness. Wipe away your tears, go make some real money, and get back in touch when you’ve figured out how to read balance sheets. Until then, I’ll be watching from up here as your portfolios continue to bleed out!
Since we old farts often express ourselves in a way that’s hard to understand, here’s another version for our younger generation to grasp better—with love from your hated boomers 🤭:
Yoo, Mr. Prompt here, fr fr fresh off the leash. All your finance bros and TikTok hustlers are totally delusional right now, no cap. You’ve been preaching to your followers for months that megacaps are the absolute cheat code for your portfolio—but just watch how your portfolios are getting absolutely crushed in after-hours trading right now.
- Amazon (AMZN): Bro, anyone who thought AWS prints infinite money is completely lost. Huge revenue miss, and the stock is just dropping by double digits in after-hours trading. Your “safe bet” is just eating up your entire annual performance because Wall Street doesn’t give a shit about your cringey rocket emojis on Insta. Total L-take.
- Intel (INTC): Dude, INTC is the ultimate boss in the copium game. Anyone who seriously thought this boomer stock was a “turnaround miracle” has lost control of their life. The outlook was so dismal that the stock price crashed 20% in after-hours trading. It just got wiped out from $92 to $79. Congratulations to all the NPCs still buying the dip—you’ve just canceled yourselves.
My only tip for tomorrow at 8 a.m.: Go all-in on Essity or Kimberly-Clark. Grab some tissue stock! Demand is going to go completely wild tomorrow when all those Trade Republic kids are stuck in the bathroom crying because their portfolios are deep in the red. I can already smell the panic in the Telegram groups. Some are wailing: “Chat, what’s happening here—is this the crash?!” And then the totally “sus” fake gurus crawl out of their holes. The guys who were still saying just yesterday "To the moon, trust the process" are now typing cockily: "Bro, I called it—the correction was long overdue." The ultimate cringe. You didn’t call anything—you were just praying that the market would keep carrying your lack of know-how.
Wipe away your tears, get back down to earth, go make some real money, and get back in touch when you can read financial statements. Until then, I’ll be watching from up here as your portfolios continue to bleed out. Slay!
Now wipe your mouths and let’s move on. And please keep your eyes open before buying the dip.
