SPRINGFIELD - Homer Simpson, reverently known in financial and underworld circles as "Don Homer", caused a tremor on the stock exchange floor today, Friday. The feared patriarch of the Simpson family has sold his strategic stake in the US insurance company Progressive in a surprising move.
According to a mandatory disclosure by the US Securities and Exchange Commission, Simpson acquired 2 shares of the company. The Don now controls a total of 43 shares.
Financial analysts see this ice-cold acquisition as a clear signal to the competition in the highly competitive insurance market.
Simpson, who traditionally pulls his strings from the back room of Moe's Tavern commented on the takeover in his typically menacing manner.
"You know, life is dangerous. It would be a shame if something happened to your nice car or your house... just because you don't have the right insurance."
"In the future" we will make more offers on the insurance market that you simply can't refuse."
Insiders suspect that Simpson's influence could have far-reaching consequences for company policy. The first leaked reform proposals include:
- The "horsehead" tariff: Customers are already reporting subtle threatening gestures. Anyone who quits allegedly wakes up in the morning next to a life-size, severed chocolate horse's head in bed.
- Protection money policies: For a small weekly fee in the form of lard cookies, Don Homer guarantees that nothing will "accidentally happen" to your car if Bart terrorizes the neighborhood with his skateboard again.
- The "D'oh!" cover: Fully comprehensive insurance that specifically kicks in if you steer your car into a chestnut tree due to your own stupidity.
Earnings
